I am so honored and thrilled to have had the chance to be on this podcast with an amazing human being, Samantha Lane. We had such a blast talking about ways to mute that PITA inner critic!
Some of the highlights of this podcast:
Rewire our neural pathways of what we thought was true
Why do our inner critics speak so loudly
Interplay between therapy & coaching
What it means to coach the whole person
Honor and empower yourself with choice
Check it out...
Have you ever expected someone to take your feelings into consideration, only to be hurt when they didn't?
During a time when you were struggling have you ever expected someone near and dear to check-in? Then when they didn't you felt hurt and resentful?
Have you ever expected someone to be there for you in the same way you've been there for them? Then when they didn't show up as you would have, you found yourself royally ticked off?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above, you're definitely not alone. Me too, to all of the above...many times over, actually.
A TURNING POINT
OK, so you'd think after being disappointed and having my feelings hurt repeatedly, I'd maybe get the hint that having expectations of others might not be a good thing.
Nope. Didn't get that hint...
My expectations were clearly on the rinse and repeat cycle until a coach I was working with made a suggestion.
Lower my expectations of others.
Pardon me?! What?! Lower my expectations!?
I didn't get it. I didn't get that it wasn't for me to expect other people to be decent, kind, caring, aware, giving, loving, considerate, <fill in the blank>.
I honestly thought it was OK to have those expectations. Isn't that what people should be?
In short, those expectations became a habit. A perpetual dance with disappointment, anger, and resentment. And being totally honest, they were sometimes a way for me to feel "better than" during a time when I felt the exact opposite. (Cue the inner voice..."I'd consider your feelings before doing that. I'd be there for you....blah...blah...blah".)
THE LESSON FROM A BITCH CALLED EXPECTATION
I didn't get the lower my expectations "thing" until I was ready to change the habit. Once I was ready, here's what I got; my expectations were the issue...not others.
I expected others to handle things in a similar vein to me.
I expected them to be what I wanted them to be.
I expected them to show up for me in the way that I'd show up.
No wonder I was disappointed, resentful, hurt, and angry. Those people weren't me and it was unfair of me to expect them to be. And in hindsight kind of pompous of me.
Once I got that, the disappointment, hurt, and anger lessened. That was until...
I GOT MY FEELINGS HURT ONCE AGAIN
Somehow, most recently, that little lesson on expectations skipped out of town.
I completely forgot about the lowering of expectations. I completely forgot it's unfair of me to expect others to be what I want them to be or react in ways I need them to. And subsequently, I got my feelings hurt.
I won't bore you with my pity-party-ish details because they don't really matter. What matters is the reminder that expectations are an unfair bitch when it comes to others. An unfair bitch that I can...that we can kick to the curb.
And in honor of her departure, I offer these...
EXPERIMENTS AND INSIGHTS
But here's the caveat, take with you what will work for you and leave what won't. OK?
It's OK to have reasonable expectations. Yep, for yourself. And here's a little "litmus test"; if you've set an expectation for yourself and you're having a difficult time meeting it...could be a cool indicator that it's time to lower it a smidgen.
It's not personal. Someone not showing up in the way you wish them to or not taking your feelings into consideration isn't because of you. Trust me. It's because of them...and how they see or don't see things, how they feel, what's going on in their world, etc. The bottom line; it's not personal.
Ask for what you need knowing that people really aren't mind-readers. I don't say that to be snarky. I say that because it's true. Sure it would make things easier, especially since asking can be kinda challenging to the old ego. The one thing I remind myself of consistently ...if I don't ask, the answer will always be "no".
So, my friends, I don't know about you but I'm going to take a page out of Stephen Hawkin's book and lower my expectations again. That way anything positive someone else does is an unexpected bonus! I love positive surprises...how about you?
Normally I wake up jazzed to dive into my morning ritual of journaling, meditating, coffee, and an intuitive reading with some intuitively guided writing. It's my time to just tune-in and see what comes bubbling up and out.
Not this morning. This morning something was off.
But I did as I always do…
I put on my headphones, turned on some soothing, meditative music, and opened my journal. My pen poised and ready for action and then….NOTHING! Nada. Zilch. Zip. A big blank page.
Enter the frustration, which of course didn’t help!
My one saving grace was remembering something Julia Cameron suggested in her book "The Artist's Way"…just write. Write anything on the page even if it's "I don't know what to write" over and over until something comes.
THE JOURNAL ENTRY THAT HAD ME SITTING WITH THE "MEH"
Hmmm…not sure what to write about. I know that not every journal session is going to be filled with "aha" moments of clarity. But this sucks. Nothing is coming up. Hmmm.
Keep writing. It's important to just keep the pen moving, regardless of what lands on the page. I have to remember this is my time with me so it's not what I write that matters. What matters is that I take this time to just be here in this moment of mindfulness.
I'm noticing that as I'm journaling I'm feeling flat and kind of "meh". I'm not sure if it's the headache or what it is but I'm really feeling uninspired… like I don't want to do anything but close my eyes and go back to sleep.
I hope it's just a temporary moment of "blah". All I really want to do is nothing. No "have to's"…just nothingness. That's what sounds awesome right now.
I wonder if it's time for a break? Just to chill and take it easy. Or is it that I just a need to shake up my morning "ritual"? Add something new or do it in a different way … I'm not sure... But what I'm sure of, I'm just feeling "meh".
Wait, maybe I'm not meant to do anything with the "meh". Maybe, for once, I'll do nothing with it … I'll give myself permission to not push through it, to be okay with feeling "meh".
Hey, maybe there's a gift in the "meh"…and I'll never know if I try to chase it away.
Which reminds me of Rumi's Guest House poem… every emotion a visitor to be invited in. Invite the "meh" in ... Have coffee with it and maybe ask it a few questions.
Hey "Meh" tell me about yourself.
Where do you come from?
What brings you here today?
Maybe it will enlighten me and I'll learn something new. Maybe it will remind me of something I've forgotten and needed to be reminded of. Who knows?
What I do know, I'm going to sit with it. Acknowledge it and see what it has to say. I'm sitting with the “meh”.. I'm not pushing it away or sending it out the door. I'm just sitting with all its flatness, it's colorlessness... just sitting with it quietly waiting for it to share whatever it wants to share.
AND THEN ODDLY THIS HAPPENED...
As I sat with the "meh", it left. It went away. I went from feeling like I wanted to do nothing to re-connecting with my usual jazzed feeling. YES!!
And here's why that was odd…I'm the type of person that wants to get to the source of why I'm feeling the way I feel. It's been my MO forever.
Not today. Today I just sat with the "meh" and as a result I learned something really cool!
It's not always necessary to understand "why" we feel the way we do. Sometimes that's just not important. Sometimes what's most important is to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we feel. To sit with it.
In sitting with it, we don't stuff it. We don't push it away. We allow it to come and then go.
Especially during times when the outside world is a little topsy-turvy… sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is give ourselves a little grace to just be with our feelings in an observant kinda way.
I close with this question, the next time you feel "meh" will you sit with it?
I'd be lying if I told you that I'm keeping it all together all day, every day. I'm not. And even though as a mindset coach I've got all sorts of tips and tricks, there are just times when a good ol' fashion meltdown is clearing and cathartic. (For me, a meltdown equates to a good cry.)
Here's the deal...
Feelings kept bottled up, stuffed, buttoned up, etc don't go away. They find a way to come out. Like that snarky comment that we didn't mean to make OR that verbal grenade that we didn't mean to throw.
So, basically what I'm saying is if you feel a meltdown coming on, it's natural. Allow the meltdown to come up and out. (As a side tip: I do my melting down some place quiet so that it doesn't "melt" all over any one else.)
If melting down isn't your thing, I get it! Not to worry. I've got some other handy dandy tricks up my proverbial sleeve. Use these for the times when you feel a "losing it" moment coming on.
Hit the pause button
Yep, when you're feeling the edge coming on and you're about to blow your top, hit the pause button. Which means take a 10 minute time out before you say or do anything. Give yourself a little bit of a break to grab some water or take a deep breath.
Engage some oxytocin
Speaking of breathing, I do a little breathing exercise that's great for chasing away that "losing it" feeling. It's called oxytocin breathing and rather than explain it, here's a video that demonstrates it.
Laugh it off
Laughing releases some awesome "feel good" chemicals. In my house we've been re-binge watching episodes of Schitt's Creek on Netflix in the evenings. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. that show. And if you want a quick little chuckle, check out this hilarious video clip making its way around Facebook.
Just remember, my friend if you feel like you're losing it, you're not alone and you're not going crazy! It's times like these that a little grace for ourselves goes a long way. Just know that I'm sending you a ton of love and light!
Take care of you and stay well and safe...
P.S. For your reading pleasure ... to deal with things like fear, emotions, and how to create bit more calming personal power, be sure to check out the following blog posts.
5 Tested Strategies To Stand Up To Fear
Are You A Stuffer?
We Are So Much Stronger
There will be a day when this challenging time will be in our rear-view mirrors. When the fear will subside. When the panic will stop. When the anxiety will lower. In the meantime, I want to encourage...
...the dreamers to keep dreaming. Your dreams matter so don't you dare let anyone squash them with their own fear or insecurities.
...the light workers to keep shining because we need your shine more than ever.
...the leaders to lead from that heart-centered place, because coming from the heart is what keeps us connected.
...the healers to take good care of yourselves because you and what you're doing is important and appreciated beyond words.
...the mamas and the papas who are trying to hold it all together for their kiddos, please be sure to recharge your batteries. You are loved beyond measure.
We will get through this! You are not alone. And with that said...
With all that is happening right now one of the worst things we can do is keep what's troubling us inside.
Feelings stuffed come out eventually and in ways that aren't always helpful...verbal grenades, resentment, more fear, heaviness, low energy, etc.
For example, when I'm in a place of fear, if I don't release it by sharing it with someone or in my journal, that fear only grows. Once I share it, it shrinks in size and in strength.
Now, more than ever is the time to share. To lighten the load a bit. So, if you need a place to vent or some where to share your concerns and fears, I want you to know that I've got your back.
I've created this confidential form where you can anonymously share whatever is on your mind and in your heart. No judgment, just a safe space to lighten the load.
Just know that I'm sending you all a great deal of love and light, as always!
Please stay safe and healthy!
P.S. VERY IMPORTANT! This form is no way a substitute for professional support. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal or depressive thoughts, please know support is available. Please, please, please call your health care provider or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). You are far too important!
IMPORTANT MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: This post is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified healthcare providers with any questions you may have regarding a potential medical condition.
Have you ever felt like you were coming down with something, but not in a physical sort of way? Feeling like you were unusually energetically off?
That was me over the last few months.
I felt unusually heavy, drained, and unsettled without cause. To add insult to injury, not knowing the cause drove me nuts. I'm a get to the root kinda gal so I can deal with whatever the source of an issue is to move past it.
I was thinking maybe it was Mercury being in retrograde. (Yep, that's a real thing.) I thought maybe it was menopause. Of course, some of what I'd been feeling might have been related. I hadn't been sleeping all that great which I thought may also have been the reason but I've lacked sleep before and never felt this off and tapped out.
Then a thought hit me, could there be such a thing as energy sickness?
With my curiosity on high alert, I took to Google and typed in "energy sickness" and sure enough there were over 73 million results.
I didn't click on all 73 million links but the ones I did click on confirmed that there was such a thing. Energy sickness is described as being out of balance or alignment to the point that our own systems can't regulate. Which makes so much sense as to why something felt unusually off.
And for some, energy sickness can be accompanied by physical illness, like a cold, body aches, headaches, or the flu.
I felt an odd sense of relief as I was clicking and reading. Cool, I wasn't going crazy or losing my mind. I was suffering from a case of energy sickness.
What Causes Energy Sickness?
As an avid self-care lover and regular participator in many things self-care related being energetically sick made no sense. That was until I realized that while self-care is super important so is paying attention to what I was exposed to that could cause energy sickness. Things like...
Other people's energy (CHECK- as an empath I sometimes soak up other people's energy like a sponge soaks up water.)
Drama (CHECK - was reading the news more than usual.)
Negativity (CHECK - In two words, social media.)
Going through a change, a shift, a healing period, or personal growth. (DEFINITELY CHECK!! I'd been doing a lot of work on my own self-awareness. Having lots of aha moments and shifts. More on this soon.)
Ummm, it's no wonder I came down with energy sickness.
Ways To Avoid & Recover From Energy Sickness
While I'm not 100% back to my normal energy levels, I'm getting there and these are the things that are helping me recover.
Your Energy Wellness
Now it's your turn to tune into your own energy wellness because awareness is key to that wellness.
On a scale of 1-10, (1 = not feeling energetically well and 10 = feeling energetically great), how would you rate your energy wellness right now?
If you're wanting/needing to increase your energy wellness rating and avoid coming down with energy sickness give these two things a whirl.
Take an honest inventory of your world. What's depleting your energy?
What are you willing to experiment with to avoid the things that are depleting it?
Create and use a self-care menu to make self-care a no-brainer.
At the end of the day, you and your energy are far too important to be compromised! Here's to being energetically well! Until next time, I'm sending you much peace, love, light, and loads of good energy.
Have you ever read a book that just lit up your brain? And when I say "lit", I mean it made all sorts of light-bulbs go off. I'm currently reading one of those books.
At the beginning of the year, I started reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. Each day there's a short passage followed by some action-based prompts. I'm not going to lie, there are a few passages that don't really click with me, but the ones that do...boy do they click. My brain lights up like a Christmas Tree and I can't get my thoughts down in my journal fast enough.
Now, since I'm a sucker for a good a-ha moment, particularly ones that are shareable, I thought it would be fun to share some of the love with you.
This is a snippet from the passage titled "Being Kind-I"...
"The great and fierce mystic William Blake said, there is no greater act than putting another before you. This speaks to a selfless giving that seems to be at the base of meaningful love. Yet having struggled for a lifetime with letting the needs of others define me, I've come to understand that without the healthiest form of self-love - without honoring the essence of life that this thing self carries, the way a pod carries a seed - putting another before you can result in damaging self-sacrifice and endless co-dependence."
I've lived up close and personal to co-dependence. Been there, done that. Have the t-shirt and the tiara. So, this passage reminded me of the many times I used to confuse people-pleasing and peace-keeping with being kind. And I don't think I need to tell you....there's a HUGE difference.
For example, stuffing my feelings to keep the peace all because I didn't want to trouble someone else or run the risk of ticking them off. (I still fall into the old habit of saying, "I'm fine." when I'm really not.) Stuffing wasn't kind; it created all sorts of internal chaos.
Doing/Saying things that didn't fit with me to please someone else. That wasn't kind; that got me lost and there's nothing kind about losing your identity. Not to mention, I was lying and lying isn't kind.
ENTER A-HA MOMENTS, STAGE LEFT
A-ha moment #1: The most unkind thing we can ever do to ourselves and others is to not be ourselves. Genuine, heartfelt kindness comes from being who we are.
A-ha moment #2: True kindness doesn't hurt and it sure as heck doesn't cost us our identity or our well-being. EVER
So, I have to ask, do you find yourself being authentically kind? Or do you find that you're being kind at the cost of yourself, your feelings, and/or your well-being?
All things mindset related
About this blog
This is the place where I share my personal journey, insights, ideas, and a-ha moments helping me to mute my own inner critic. It is my hope you find what you need to mute your own.