Fixing Things For Others Cost Me My Energy and My Identity

I used to think being helpful meant being available all the time. Emotionally, mentally, energetically…ready to jump in at a moment's notice to smooth things over, make things better, or offer a solution. It felt generous. It felt like love.

This pattern started when I was little. If I was being what I thought was helpful, I'd stay out of the crosshairs of someone's upset. I'd be loved and accepted more. At least, that's what my young brain figured out.

Fast forward to when my son was growing up. If he was struggling with something at school, I was quick to jump into action mode. I'd brainstorm solutions, make phone calls, strategize next steps. I thought I was being supportive, but I was actually unintentionally robbing him of the chance to come up with solutions.

The same pattern showed up everywhere. Friends venting about work problems, family members dealing with stress, even strangers who seemed overwhelmed. I'd automatically start problem-solving, offering advice, trying to make things better.

And over time I started to wonder, was I really helping, or just trying to keep the peace? Was I offering support, or trying to stay safe?

Was this why I felt so depleted in my relationships? I mean, who was I when I wasn't cleaning things up or fixing a problem? It’s what I knew, and I was damned good at it.

Why Brains Get Hooked on Fixing Things

The urge to fix things for others isn’t a personality trait. It’s something the brain can learn over time. When someone sees another person struggling, their empathy circuits activate. They feel discomfort and want to ease it.

But if someone grew up in an environment where keeping others calm felt like survival, the brain may start linking helpfulness with control. Fixing the problems for others becomes a way to manage internal tension, not just external problems. It’s less about what the other person needs and more about quieting the unease that arises in response.

Eventually, this can become automatic. Some people start anticipating problems before they happen. They absorb emotions that aren’t theirs. They jump in before being asked. And while that might look like compassion, it often comes at the cost of energy, boundaries, and identity. (I’m raising my hand to this…all of this.)

Fixing a problem for someone isn’t always generous. Sometimes it’s just familiar and driven by anxiety. The brain is trying to create safety by stepping into a role that feels protective…even when that role is exhausting.

A Simple Reset to Try

If you find yourself in the role of the clean up crew or problem fixer, here’s something to experiment with. Pause and try asking: "Is this actually mine to handle?" Then take three slow breaths.

Picture handing the situation back to the other person, not as abandonment, but as trust. Trust me when I tell you, you’re not stepping away from them. You’re stepping back into our own lane and empowering them.

What Changes When Fixing Problems for Other Stops

Thanks to coaching, becoming a coach, and lots of self-reflection, I have since stopped being the fixer upper person of all things for all people. And here's what I've noticed as a result: I have more energy for the things that are mine. My relationships feel more balanced. And surprisingly, people around me started stepping up more when I stopped stepping in so quickly.

Helping is a beautiful thing when it’s done for the sake of helping and not fixing someone else’s problem or cleaning up their mess. And the real gift isn't always solving something for someone else. Sometimes it's just showing up and trusting that others are capable of being resourceful.

Have you ever found yourself in clean-up crew or problem-fixer mode? What would change for you if you took a step back and allowed others to handle their own challenges? I’d love to hear.