I haven’t been myself lately.
Looking in the mirror has been difficult; the reflection staring back at me has not been “mine”. My sparkle has been replaced with critical, lackluster eyes that taunt and cast judgment.
Where did I go? What happened?
Worry happened. Worry about my own future. Worry about finances. Worry that I’d lose what’s important to me.
If there was a fictional worry story to create, I created it.
Anger happened. Anger that I allowed my feelings and thoughts to be overtaken by another’s neediness. Anger that I let someone use me even though I knew better.
Sadness happened. Sadness that I lost connection with myself and that I fell into some old habits; habits of people pleasing.
I’ve coached many a client around coming out of those foggy, dank feelings, helping them to find their own “how-tos” only to forget my own. What the hell?!?
How could I forget?
I know. I let myself become consumed with the worry, the anger, the sadness. I let it take over my very essence like a dis-ease. I did this.
Not circumstances, situations, or anyone else. I did this.
I own my essential role in this consuming disconnection.
It’s not about blame. It’s about awareness.
I am aware of my frailties and vulnerabilities. I am aware that only I get to say how I feel and ultimately how I show up.
It’s down to me and only me.
And it’s now down to me to re-connect to the true essence of who I am. To return to my values and what I know to work for me so that the spark replaces the dullness.
I am reminded of the Phoenix who from it’s own ashes resurrected into something bigger and better. In order to do that, however, it had to disassemble.
The past month has been my time to turn to ashes in order to rebuild and resurrect in a brighter, better way.
From the ashes
I’m now realizing that sometimes we have to sit with the ashes not with the view of wallowing, but instead to take stock of the good and to plan our own resurrection. (Just like the Phoenix). While this past month has tested me BIG TIME it’s also given me some amazing gifts. Gifts that I’m choosing to see and receive. For example:
Those are some amazing gifts and I’m truly grateful.
If you take anything away from this post, I hope it’s this…
Sometimes we have to disassemble in order to rebuild in a better, more fitting way. It’s in the disassembling that we not only get a chance to re-create ourselves, but we get to clean house. Leaving behind what doesn’t work so we have more space for what does.
Here’s to beautiful resurrections!
Much love and light to you…